Costras

As humans, we’ve invented a lot of things. Most of these i nventions are stupid and pointless (the Pet Rock; Count Chocula cereal; abstinence as a form of birth control). A lot of them are fun (video games; board games; head games). Some of them are convenient and make our lives easier (cheese graters; beer widgets; toilet brushes). And, every so often, a Truly Great Invention comes along thatchanges our culture and the very way we live on this planet (irrigation; the printing press; beer). 8

Of all the Truly Great Inventions, which one is the greatest? Well, there’s no way to tell, as it’s all really just a matter of opinion. But we can narrow it down. There’s a simple litmus test you can use to tell a Truly Great Invention from a regular invention. And that litmus test is theAmish. The Amish have been “keeping it real” longer than almost any other group of people in America, and they’ve done so by shunning frivolous modern conveniences. Just a few of the things the Amish refuse to use include: electricity zippers telephones automobiles computers speedboats Nautilus equipment plastic surgery and Ludacris albums. It might seem crazy to live a life without these things, butif you really think about it you can do without all of them. People managed for millennia without electricity, and they were just fine (apart from all the darkness a n d c h o l e ra ) . A l s o, z i p p e rs a re j u s t d a n g e ro u s b u tt o n s, t e l e phones are satanic devices for spreading gossip that vibrate seductively in your pocket (anything that vibrates is evil), automobiles aresimply buggies that are too stupid to avoid collisions themselves if the driver falls asleep, and the rest of the items on that list are just things people use to try to get other people 9

to have sex with them outside of wedlock. Do you really need to spend your days flexing your Nautilus-toned arms while you make gratuitous cell phone ca l l s t o yo u r f r i e n d s f ro m t h e b ow o f you r s p e e d b o a t ? D o e s that somehow make you a better person? I don’t think so. Furthermore, the Amish don’t avoid all aspects of modern life. They just avoid the ones they feel are damaging to the soul. They will take advantage of the stuff that’s truly great and useful and that isn’t just a tool for preening, vanity, or looking at pornography. Some of these things include: regularsurgery of the non-plastic variety medicine refrigeration (kerosene-powered, not electric-powered) and bicycles. That’s right, Amish people will ride bicycles. They might not post lengthy ride reports and photographs of their bicycles to their blogs (Amish blogs are called “sermons”), they might not stop at an espresso bar and sip caffeine from tiny cups while they ogle women in short skirts like theItalians do, and they certainly don’t zip on any skintight Lycra clothing. But they will throw a leg over the saddle and pedal their retro-grouchy asses down to the market for some cheese. And to me, this says a lot. It says the Amish aren’t totally crazy. It says maybe there’s some money to be made by growing a beard, infiltrating th e Amish community Harr i son Ford—style, and opening “Ye OldeBike Shoppe.” But most importantly, it says the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention. And indeed it is. The Amish can resist Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, pornography, ice-cold margaritas on tropical b e a c h e s , d e s i g n e r d r u g s , f a s t c a r s ( a c t u a l l y, a l l c a r s ) , thong underwear, American Idol, Amazon.com, and sneakers. 10

But they can’t resist the bicycle. This isbecause the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention. A bicycle is a Truly Great Invention because it is part of the entire range of human existence, from frivolity to necessity. A bicycle, if understood correctly and used to its full potential, is actually a key to a completely different, and in many ways more rewarding, way of life. Sure, there are limits to the ways in which you can use a bicycle,...