Novela

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The Hysterical History of the Trojan War
ACT I - PARIS AND HELEN RUN TO TROY.  
The Cast of Characters can be found at the end of the play with suggestions for doubling characters if needed.  
The stage has large wall upstage which is the wall of Troy.  It can even be a small wall so the actors' heads can look over it.  The land and shore outside Troy is in the left part of the stage.  Theocean is offstage in the audience.  Before the play, an actor (Poseidon) can warm up the audience by having them pretend to be the ocean and PARIS and HELEN can sail through them.  Poseidon has complete control of the ocean audience.  They could even do battle with some Spartan Greeks before the play as PARIS and HELEN flee.  The audience should be divided into two sides: Spartan and Trojan.  Atdifferent times during the play, the Spartan and Trojan sides of the audience will cheer for their people (ATHENA directs the Spartan side.  ATHENA says "This is..." and the audience cheers "Sparta!".  HELEN leads the other side in the cheer.  HELEN says, "Goooo..." and audience yells "Troy!").  You should practice this at the start of the play.  The final Trojan cheer goes to PARIS and HELEN as theysuccessfully make their way to the left side of the stage from the ocean.  PARIS and HELEN act like goofy teenagers.
PARIS
Wow, we like totally ditched those Greeks.  Eat our waves, dudes.
HELEN
You were like, so totally brave.
PARIS
I know.   And you're, like... sooo pretty.
HELEN
I know.   Are you really a prince?
PARIS
Prince of the greatest city ever... Troy!
Music can play aslights come up on the walls of Troy.  The walls appear like they are made of gold (use glitter).
HELEN
It's pretty.
PARIS
Not as pretty as you.
HELEN 
I know.  Aren't your walls like totally... tall?
PARIS
The tallest and the strongest.  They say Poseidon himself helped build them.
HELEN
No way... 
PARIS
Way!
HELEN
Cool!
PARIS
Want to see inside?
HELEN
Do I ever.
CASSANDRA rushes outand stops them.
CASSANDRA
Beware!
HELEN
Who's that?
PARIS
My sister, Cassandra.  What's wrong now?  Somebody going to kidnap a puppy again?
CASSANDRA
Don't bring Helen inside, Paris.   She will only bring doom on our city.  Dooooom!
PARIS
Oh, come on, Cassandra.  Get out of the way.
CASSANDRA
Doooooooooom!
PARIS pushes CASSANDRA out of the way and they go inside the wall.
HELENFreak.
CASSANDRA stomps her foot and gets all pouty.  APOLLO appears down left and watches her.
CASSANDRA
How come nobody ever listens to me?
APOLLO is giggling now.
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
Apollo?  Is that you?   Get over here.
CASSANDRA runs up and grabs the giggling APOLLO.   She starts hitting him and he stops laughing.
APOLLO
What's with you?
CASSANDRA
I thought you gave me the power to seethe future?
APOLLO
I did.  Didn't you predict where that puppy would be found?
CASSANDRA
But nobody listened to me.
APOLLO giggles again.
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
And now I see the walls of Troy falling down.  And no one will listen to me about that either.
APOLLO
Didn't you read the fine print of your wish?
CASSANDRA
Fine print?  What fine print?
APOLLO pulls a piece of paper from hispocket.  It's notebook paper with doodles.
CASSANDRA (CONT.)
I can't read this.  It's a bunch of drawings.  It's all Greek to me.
APOLLO
Look here.  Underneath the unicorn dancing on the rainbow.  It says that you will be able to see the future, but no one will listen to you.
CASSANDRA
What?   How could you do this to me?
APOLLO
Because it's funny.
CASSANDRA
You gods think you're so smart. Well, I know what happens to you.
APOLLO
You do?  Oh, you do.   What?
CASSANDRA
I'm not telling.
APOLLO
Oh, come on.
CASSANDRA
No.
APOLLO
Please.
CASSANDRA
See you, never, Apollo.
CASSANDRA goes back inside Troy.  APOLLO mocks her.
APOLLO
"You gods think you're so smart."  I'll show her.  She won't think it's funny when we have a war!
APOLLO pulls out a cell phone.  ZEUS appears...
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