Suicide note

Suicide Note
by Janice Mirikitani

How many notes written . . .
ink smeared like birdprints in snow.
not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough
dear motherand father.
I apologize
for disappointing you.
I've worked very hard,
not good enough
harder, perhaps to please you.
If only I were a son, shoulders broad
as thesunset threading through pine,
I would see the light in my mother's
eyes, or the golden pride reflected
in my father's dream 15
of my wide, male hands worthy of work
andcomfort.
I would swagger through life
muscled and bold and assured,
drawing praises to me
like currents in the bed of wind, virile
with confidence.
not good enoughnot strong enough not good enough

I apologize.
Tasks do not come easily.
Each failure, a glacier.
Each disapproval, a bootprint.
Each disappointment,
ice above myriver. 30
So I have worked hard.
not good enough.
My sacrifice I will drop
bone by bone, perched
on the ledge of my womanhood,
fragile as wings.
not strong enough
Itis snowing steadily
surely not good weather
for flying - this sparrow 40
sillied and dizzied by the wind
on the edge.
not smart enough.
I make this ledge my altar
tooffer penance.
This air will not hold me,
the snow burdens my crippled wings,
my tears drop like bitter cloth
softly into the gutter below.
not good enough not strongenough not 50 smart enough

Choices thin as shaved
ice. Notes shredded
drift like snow
on my broken body,
covers me like whispers
of sorries.
Perhaps when they findme 58
they will bury
my bird bones beneath
a sturdy pine

and scatter my feathers like

unspoken song

over this white and cold and silent

breast of earth.