Teacher

Death Knocks
by Woody Allen

[Death Knocks]
The play takes place in the bedroom of the Nat Ackermans' two-story house, somewhere in Kew Gardens. The carpeting is wall-to-wall. There is a big double bed and a large vanity. The room is elaborately furnished and curtained, and on the wall there are several paintings and a not really attractive barometer. Soft them music as the curtain rises. NatAckermans, a bald, paunchy fifty-seven-year-old dress manufacturer is lying on the bed finishing off tomorrow's Daily News. He wears a bathrobe and slippers, and reads by a bed light clipped to the white headboard of the bed. The time is near midnight. Suddenly we hear a noise, and Nat sits up and looks at the window.

NAT: What the hell is that?
(Climbing awkwardly through the window isa sombre, caped figure. The intruder wears a black hood and skintight black clothes. The hood covers his head but not his face, which is middle-aged and stark white. He is something like Nat in appearance. He huffs audibly and then trips over the windowsill and falls into the room.)
DEATH (for it is no one else): Jesus Christ. I nearly broke my neck.
NAT: (watching with bewilderment):Who are you?
DEATH: Death
NAT: Who?
DEATH: Death. Listen -- can I sit down? I nearly broke my neck. I'm shaking like a leaf.
NAT: Who are you?
DEATH: Death. You got a glass of water?
NAT: Death? What do you mean, Death?
DEATH: What is wrong with you? You see the black costume and the whitened face?
NAT: Yeah
DEATH: Is it Halloween?
NAT:No
DEATH: Then I'm Death. Now can I get a glass of water -- or a Fresca?
NAT: If this is some joke --
DEATH: What kind of joke? You're fifty-seven? Nat Ackerman? One-eighteen Pacific Street? Unless I blew it -- where's the call sheet? (He fumbles through pocket, finally producing a card with an address on it. It seems to check.)
NAT: What do you want with me?
DEATH:What do I want? What do you think I want?
NAT: You must be kidding. I'm in perfect health.
DEATH (unimpressed): Un-huh. (Looking around) This is a nice place. You do it yourself?
NAT: We had a decorator, but we worked with her.
DEATH (looking at picture on the wall): I love those kids with the big eyes.
NAT: I don't want to go yet.
DEATH: You don't want to go?Please don't start in. As it is, I'm nauseous from the climb.
NAT: What climb?
DEATH: I climbed up the drainpipe. I was trying to make a dramatic entrance. I see the big windows and you're awake reading. I figure it's worth a shot. I'll climb up and enter with a little -- you know ... (Snaps fingers) Meanwhile, I get my heel caught on some vines, the drainpipe breaks, and I'm hanging by athread. Then my cape begins to tear. Look, let's just go. It's been a rough night.
NAT: You broke my drainpipe?
DEATH: Broke. It didn't break. It's a little bent. Didn't you hear anything? I slammed into the ground.
NAT: I was reading.
DEATH: (Lifting newspaper NAT was reading) Can I borrow this?
NAT: I'm not finished.
DEATH: Er -- I don't know how to put thisto you, pal ...
NAT: Why didn't you just ring downstairs?
DEATH: I'm telling you, I could have, but how does that look? This way I get a little drama going. Something. Did you read Faust?
NAT: What?
DEATH: And what if you had company? You're sitting there with important people. I'm Death -- I should ring the bell and traipse right in the front? Where's your thinking?NAT: Listen, Mister, it's very late.
DEATH: Yeah. We'll you want to go?
NAT: Go where?
DEATH: Death. It. The Thing. The Happy Hunting Grounds. (Looking at his own knee) Y'know, that's a pretty bad cut. My first job. I'm liable to get gangrene yet.
NAT: Now, wait a minute. I need time. I'm not ready to go.
DEATH: I'm sorry. I can't help you. I'd like to, but it's the...