with MaTT Kuhn
D A RT I C L E 1 3 d
All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.
MIx And MATCh: FAMous WIngMEn Michael Jordan o Snoopy o han Solo o George h. W. Bush o Bert o Shaggy o Beer o o Scooby o dan Quayle o hot Wings o Woodstock o Chewbacca o Scottie Pippen o ernie
D A RT I C L E 1 7 d
A Bro shall be kind and courteous to hisco-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming.
merica was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can’t just scream at anybody . . . you can only scream at those beneath you. To illustrate how it works, here’s the Scream Pyramid for a professional football team:
oWnERhEAd CoACh AssIsTAnT CoACh quARTERbACk TEAMMATEs punTER
it’s no different inside the office, as exemplified by my own corporate Scream Pyramid:
boARd oF dIRECToRs
pREsIdEnT oF FRAnCE
here is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. if you’re not sure where you fit, you can always trick a broworker into screaming at someone and thensee where the pieces fall. That’s how i figured out i was above the VP of Synergy.
IMpoRTAnT noTE: if you find yourself at the bottom, don’t fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that you can always add a layer to the foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepyeyed security man, or anyone who doesn’t speak english is a great place to start.
D A RT I C L E 1 9 d
A Bro shall not sleep withanother Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”
CoRoLLARy: it’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over. ChECkLIsT FoR Bro-Proofing youR hoME o hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins. o open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression youactually use it. o as a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom. o Scan dVr playlist and remove embarrassing television programs like daytime talk shows. o open all windows. o display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality. o disconnect answering machine, or . . . o Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive. o Coasters, coasters, coasters! o Sign out ofemail account. o usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.
D A RT I C L E 2 5 d
A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl’s name.
he average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eightythree days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and secondmost important organ a man has. bARnEy sTInson’s FIELd guIdE To TATToos
“Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, but I have permanently branded myself as off-limits.”
“Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned after my village banished me tothe hinterlands for seven days with no food or water . . . like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie.”
“Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearsome dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because I’m hoping this baby wards off intruders from my mom’s basement.”
bARnEy sTInson’s FIELd guIdE To TATToos (cont.)
“Hey, everybody, look at me! I’m governed by an Easternphilosophy, as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh may or may not indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you’ll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist’s word for it. I know I did.”
“Hey, everybody, look at me! There’s an important message inked on my fingers. It...