Cacascawd

The ticket inspector: . . . . . . . . . .76 Tea break: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77 The King of Boonland: . . . . . . . . .78 The restaurant: . . . . . . . . . . . . . .80 The doctor: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .82 Gussett and Rose: . . . . . . . . . . . .84 Hotel Splendido: . . . . . . . . . . . . .85 The passport office: . . . . . . . . . . .86 Fire practice: . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .88 The post office: . . . . . . . . . . . . .90

Mr. Jones: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .92 The shoe stall: . . . . . . . . . . . . . .94 The check-in desk: . . . . . . . . . . .96 The police: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .98 The bus stop: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .100 A ticket to Birmingham: . . . . . . . .102

74

SKETCHES

Gerry Thatcher's party: . . . . . . . .104 Thearmy: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .106 The dentist: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .108 Mr. Williams and the postman: . . .110

Tourist information: . . . . . . . . . . .112 The bank: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .114 The Superlative vacuum cleaner: . .116 Superman and the psychiatrist: . . .118 The lost property office: . . . . . . . .120 The travel agency: . . . . . . . . . . .122

GerryBrown's driving test: . . . . . .124 Giovanni 's café: . . . . . . . . . . . . .126 Shakespeare's house: . . . . . . . . .128 Mr. Universe: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .130 The new James Bond film: . . . . . .132 World record: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134

SKETCHES

75

The ticket inspector
Scene : Characters: A compartment on a train A passenger on a train, a ticket inspector,asteward and a waiter

Passenger:

The passenger is sitting in a compartment on a train. He is reading a newspaper. The steward opens the door. Steward: Passenger: Coffee! No. thanks. (The passenger closes the door, and continues reading. The waiter opens the door.) Seats for dinner! No, thanks. (The passenger closes the door again, and continues reading. The ticket inspector opens the door.)Tickets! No, thanks. Pardon? I don't want a ticket, thank you. I'm not selling tickets, sir. No? No, I want to see your ticket. Oh, I haven't got a ticket. You haven't got a ticket? No. I never buy a ticket. Why not? Well, they are very expensive, you know. Sir, you're travelling on a train. When people travel on a train, they always buy a ticket. Er And this is a first-class compartment. Yes, it isvery nice, isn't it? No, sir. I mean: This is a firstclass compartment. When people travel in a first-class compartment, they always buy a first-class ticket. (They look at each other for a moment.) No, they don't. What? A lot of people don't buy tickets. The Queen doesn't buy a ticket, does she' Eh? Eh? No, sir, but she's a famous person. And what about you? Where's yours? Mine? Yes, yours. Yourticket. Have you got a ticket? Me, sir? Yes, you. No, I haven't got a ticket. SKETCHES

Waiter: Passenger:

Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector:

Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger: Inspector: Passenger:Inspector:
76

Ooh, are you a famous person? Inspector: (Flattered) Famous? Well, not very (Back to normal) Sir, I am a ticket inspector. I inspect tickets. Are you going to show me your ticket? Passenger: No, I haven't got a ticket. Inspector see. (The ticket inspector puts his hand into his pocket.) Passenger: 'What are you going to do? Inspector: I'm going to write your name in my book.Passenger: Oh Inspector: What is your name, sir? Passenger: Mickey Mouse, (The inspector begins to write.) Inspector: Mickey Passenger: Mouse. M-O-U-S-E. (The inspector stops writing.) Inspector: Your name, sir? Passenger: Karl Marx? William Shakespeare? Charles Dickens? Inspector: I see, sir. Well, if you're not going to tell me your name, please leave the train, Passenger: Pardon? Inspector: Leave...