Drama

this is the original "bald soprano"script written by Eugene Ionesco, unedited
THE BALD SOPRANO
by Eugene Ionesco

The Characters:
MR. SMITH
MRS. SMITH
MR. MARTIN
MRS. MARTIN
MARY, the maid
THE FIRE CHIEF

SCENE: A middle-class English interior, with English armchairs. An English evening. Mr. Smith, an Englishman, seated in his English armchair and wearing English slippers, issmoking his English pipe and reading an English newspaper, near an English fire. He is wearing English spectacles and a small gray English mustache. Beside him, in another English armchair, Mrs. Smith, an Englishwoman, is darning some English socks. A long moment of English silence. The English clock strikes 17 English strokes.
MRS. SMITH: There, it's nine o'clock. We've drunk the soup, and eatenthe fish and chips, and the English salad. The children have drunk English water. We've eaten well this evening. That's because we live in the suburbs of London and because our name is Smith.
MR. SMITH [continues to read, clicks his toungue.]
MRS. SMITH: Potatoes are very good fried in fat; the salad oil was not rancid. The oil from the grocer at the corner is better quality than the oil fromthe grocer across the street. It is even better than the oil from the grocer at the bottom of the street. However, I prefer not to tell them that their oil is bad.
MR. SMITH [continues to read, clicks his tongue.]
MRS. SMITH: However, the oil from the grocer at the corner is still the best.
MR. SMITH [continues to read, clicks his tongue.]
MRS. SMITH: Mary did the potatoes very well, thisevening. The last time she did not do them well. I do not like them when they are well done.
MR. SMITH [continues to read, clicks his tongue.]
MRS. SMITH: The fish was fresh. It made my mouth water. I had two helpings. No, three helpings. That made me go to the w.c. You also had three helpings. However, the third time you took less than the first two times, while as for me, I took a greatdeal more. I eat better than you this evening. Why is that? Usually, it is you who eats more. It is not appetite you lack.
MR. SMITH [clicks his tongue.]
MRS. SMITH: But still, the soup was perhaps a little too salt. It was saltier than you. Ha, ha, ha. It also had too many leeks and not enough onions. I regret I didn't advise Mary to add some aniseed stars. The next time I'll know better.
MR.SMITH [continues to read, clicks his tongue.]
MRS. SMITH: Our little boy wanted to drink some beer he's going to love getting tiddly. He's like you. At table did you notice how he stared at the bottle? But I poured some water from the jug into his glass. He was thirsty and he drank it. Helen is like me: she's a good manager, thrifty, plays the piano. She never asks to drink English beer. She'slike our little daughter who drinks only milk and eats only porridge. It's obvious that she's only two. She's named Peggy. The quince and bean pie was marvelous. It would have been nice, perhaps, to have had a small glass of Australian Burgundy with the sweet, but I did not bring the bottle to the table because I did not wish to set the children a bad example of gluttony. They must learn to besober and temperate.
MR. SMITH [continues to read, clicks his tongue.]
MRS. SMITH: Mrs. Parker knows a Rumanian grocer by the name of Popesco Rosenfeld, who has just come from Constantinople. He is a great specialist in yogurt. He has a diploma from the school of yogurt-making in Adrianople. Tomorrow I shall buy a large pot of native Rumanian yogurt from him. One doesn't often find such thingshere in the suburbs of London.
MR. SMITH [continues to read, clicks his tongue.]
MRS. SMITH: Yogurt is excellent for the stomach, the kidneys, the appendicitis, and apotheosis. It was Doctor Mackenzie-King who told me that, he's the one who takes care of the children of our neighbors, the Johns. He's a good doctor. One can trust him. He never prescribes any medicine that he's not tried out on...