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BIBLICAL COUNSELING LIBRARY

Forgiveness
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COUNSELING KEYS Excerpt

What Forgiveness Is Not1
Forgiveness is not circumventing God’s justice. . . . — God will execute justice in His time and in His way. Forgiveness is not waiting for “time to heal all wounds.” . . . — Time does not heal wounds—some people will not allow healing. Forgiveness is not letting the guilty “off thehook.” . . . — It is moving the guilty from your hook onto God’s hook. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. . . . — It takes two for reconciliation, only one for forgiveness. Forgiveness is not being a weak martyr. . . . — It is being strong enough to be Christlike. Forgiveness is not stuffing your anger. . . . — It is resolving your anger by releasing the offense to God. Forgiveness is not anatural response. . . . — It is a supernatural one, empowered by God. Forgiveness is not denying the hurt. . . . — It is feeling the hurt and releasing it. Forgiveness is not being a doormat. . . . — That would make Jesus the greatest doormat of all! Forgiveness is not conditional. . . . — It is unconditional, a mandate from God for everyone. Forgiveness is not forgetting. . . . — To forgive, youmust remember. Forgiveness is not a feeling. . . . — It is a choice—an act of the will. “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” (Hebrews 10:36)

What Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is dismissing a debt. Forgiveness is dismissing your demand that others owe you something, especially when . . . — They fail to meet your expectations.— They fail to keep a promise. — They fail to treat you justly. Forgiveness is dismissing, cancelling, or setting someone free from the consequence of falling short of God’s standard. Forgiveness is extended even if it is never, ever earned. Forgiveness is extended regardless of a lack of repentance. Forgiveness is releasing your resentment toward your offender. — Releasing your right to hear “I’msorry” — Releasing your right to be bitter — Releasing your right to get even “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.” (Romans 12:17) Forgiveness is releasing your rights regarding the offense. — Releasing your right to dwell on the offense — Releasing your right to hold on to the offense — Releasing your right to keep bringing up the offense “He whocovers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” (Proverbs 17:9) Forgiveness is reflecting on the character of God. Just as God is willing to forgive us, we are called to forgive others. — To forgive is to extend mercy. — To forgive is to give a gift of grace. — To forgive is to set the offender free. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievancesyou may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

Forgiveness

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The High Cost of Unforgiveness2
Unforgiveness robs us of God’s forgiveness. (Mark 11:25) Unforgiveness allows a root of bitterness to grow. (Hebrews 12:15) Unforgiveness causes us to walk in darkness. Unforgiveness reflects a godless heart. Unforgivenessmakes us captive to sin. Unforgiveness grieves the Spirit of God. (1 John 2:9–11) (Job 36:13) (Acts 8:23) (Ephesians 4:30–32)

#4 Find Oneness—if appropriate.
Note if the offender accepts responsibility. Discern if there is absolute truthfulness—if not, reconciliation is not possible. Set appropriate boundaries. Don’t rush reconciliation—change takes time. “If you have any encouragement frombeing united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” (Philippians 2:1–2)

God’s Heart on Forgiveness
God commands that we forgive each other. God wants us to forgive others because He forgives us. God wants us to see...