Lorenzo Von Matterhorn was born somewhere in Switzerland in the spring of 1974. The exact date and circumstances of his birth are unknown since he was immediately placed in abasket and tossed in a river. Young Lorenzo rode the pristine Alpine glacial melt waters for hundreds of miles until a young Milanese woman discovered the basket along the banks of theriver Po. Some say it was this first early journey to Milan that fueled both his love of exploration and fashion. The woman would raise Lorenzo as her own, naming him Lorenzo afterher father and giving him the surname Von Matterhorn to reflect his Swiss heritage as well as his uncommonly large penis.
Shortly after his family moved to New York City inthe late 70’s, Lorenzo began rescuing stray puppies and other cute animals. As someone who had been abandoned himself, Lorenzo recognized both the pain of loneliness as well as thepower of hope. One evening, while nursing a particularly cute Cocker Spaniel back to health, Lorenzo noticed the rest of his brood howling in unison. Curious as to their abilities, hespent the next several months developing their voices and then entered them as a musical act in a local festival under the name DOG STEVENS. They took first place, and went on tobecome one of the most successful animal musical acts since The Beatles.
At an early age, Lorenzo was diagnosed with phallumegaly, or bigness of penis disorder. As a result ofhis illness Lorenzo’s sense of balance frequently shifts, causing short-term memory loss. Lorenzo has been known to walk away from situations and not call again, and shouldn’t beheld accountable when he does. Tired of ordering custom underwear and furniture, Lorenzo has pursued penis reduction surgery a number of times only to be told it’s too risky.
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