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5 Awful Things You Learn About Yourself Playing 'Dishonored'

It's here: video game season. That magical time of the year right after the veritable desert wasteland of summer, when game developers the world over suddenly remember that they have jobs to do and go about trying to drown their customers in a glut of quality entertainment. I know you're going to feel unproductive, sitting there onthe couch while the world enjoys itself outside -- children leaping and skipping through the fallen leaves, women laughing carelessly on their bicycle rides, men, like ... tossing a medicine ball, I guess? I don't know a lot about outside. But the point is this: You need to stay on that couch. Because gaming isn't a waste of time. If you pay close attention, it can teach you volumes of hard lessonsabout yourself.

For example, I just picked up Dishonored, the new stealth game from the people who brought us Sky rim, and already I'm learning things about myself. Awful, terrible, disappointing things that I wish I could forget but will probably haunt me forever. Like...

#5. I'm Way Nicer than I Thought, and It's Going to Get Me Killed Someday

I love stealth games. Developers, if youlet me convincingly pretend to be a ninja, a spy or a laughably inadequate Batman, I'm going to wad $60 up and throw it in your face. Then, while you're distracted, I will steal your game and run away (it's the perfect crime -- nobody ever comes after me, for some reason). So it's too bad that, without exception, I am universally terrible at them. I finally figured out why: To nobody's surprisemore than my own and that of the child I am currently kicking, I think I'm terrible at stealth games because I'm simply too good of a person.

If you're not familiar with the genre, the core of any stealth game is staying unnoticed. Rather than resorting to something as vulgar as slapping helmets on the players and asking them to sprint through a beige war zone full of cinder blocks and explodingminorities, stealth games set players loose in a semi-open environment and let them plan their murders discreetly, like gentlemen. Sometimes one of the murder-dolls will turn out to be an important character, however, or at least be programmed to do something mildly interesting if you let them live, thus giving players some sort of incentive not to kill them (just yet).

And that ruinseverything. Because, if you're anything like me, instead of flapping out of the darkness, a flapping half-seen shadow of death whose name, as far as the enemies are concerned, is "OH SHI-," you are now cautiously approaching every guard like a timid squirrel taking breadcrumbs from a pensioner in the park. I am of course aware that they're probably going to kill me even as I approach, but the doubt isalways there: Maybe not this time! Maybe this guard is different. Maybe he's just a friend I haven't met yet. Sure, he has the exact same character model as all those other guys who have, historically, done nothing but try to kill me, but you know what? Somebody once told me that you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover. I think it was Jesus. Or maybe Reading Rainbow.

And so, with love in myheart and a friendly word on my lips, I will cautiously sneak up on some jackbooted sentry and optimistically press the button that breaks stealth. At which point he'll holler, "Ha! GOT YOU." And then spit fire into my face.

#4. I'm Not as Smart as I Think I Am

When I was in grade school, an assessor came through and gave all of the children IQ tests. From my class, myself and another boyscored in the "genius level" and were considered "gifted students." This meant that we could be transferred to a special school for the remainder of the year. I was proud, surprised and a little modest. Although I was worried about leaving all my old friends behind, I put on a brave face and agreed to the transfer, because I knew. I knew this was it: This was the day I discovered my mutant powers...