Choosing The Right Urinal

Choosing the Right Urinal: A Man’s Guide to Life A micro book by Kyle Heimann Copyright © 2011 Special thanks to Fr. Matthew Camaioni, Cory Heimann, Bryan Murdaugh, Chris Padgett, Joe Weyers, Mike Judge, Gene Monterastelli and Jacob Laskowski for your feedback and help with the book. Also, thanks to the thousands of public restrooms that have provided me with relief over all the years and nowinspiration for this micro book. For more information: www.kyleheimann.com

Introduction
I understand men. I am a man. I frequently have a beard. If I don't take proper measures, my armpits smell. If I wear shoes all day, my feet stink. . . Okay, my feet almost always stink. My back and chest are hairy enough to scare away small children at the beach, but this is how God made me. My jobs growingup were to mow the grass, take out the trash, change light bulbs and check the fluids in the cars. I still do those same jobs today. My wife likes to kiss our son on his cheeks until they are red. I like to toss him in the air until he pukes. God designed man and woman differently. Even though I grew up with a mom and two sisters, have been friends with girls, have dated several women and ammarried to a female, I don't claim to understand the ladies. It is for this reason, that I am writing a book for men. If you are a female and thought the title of this micro book sounded disgusting, you are right. It is. You should probably put it down now before anyone gets hurt. Should you desire to read on, well, consider yourself warned.

The questions at the end of each chapter should be giventime for pondering. This isn’t material for a two-day silent retreat but also not something to be answered in a few words. Just take two to three minutes, the length of a short song, to think about each one. If reading and/or discussing this book with a group of guys, take the time to reflect on your own before sharing with the group . . . and then grunt.

I am a self-diagnosed ADD adult andso this is written from that perspective. I may jump around a bit in this micro book, I love donuts by the way, but eventually, I will get back on topic.

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Chapter One
The Restroom For All Ages
I was playing music at a New Year’s Eve fundraiser in Michigan several years ago. It was going to be held in the church’s social hall. While setting up for the sound check, I went to use therestroom. When I walked into the men’s room, I noticed there were two urinals. They were both the same size and mounted the same height on the wall, but one had a wooden platform to elevate a short boy to a more optimal height. The other did not. This isn’t what caught my attention. The problem was that a short boy was using the urinal without the additional step stool. I imagine his parents had beentelling him that he was a big boy and he could use the big boy potty and he was exercising that right (perhaps to the disdain of the janitor). Heck, I don’t know, maybe he just saw it as a challenge, like when my cousin and I would have contests to see how far away from the urinal we could stand and still make it (the key is drinking lots of water). So as I walked in the room, I had three options:
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I could wait for him to finish using the “man’s urinal.” I could use the “stall” toilet (this always makes me feel silly—do I lock the door or not? I don’t need a locked door when using the urinal). I could use the . . . yes . . . the child’s urinal.

Not one to back down on challenges myself, I stepped onto the platform and used the urinal. What a picture that must havebeen: me, a grown adult, on the stool, and him, a young boy, not quite tall enough. I couldn’t help but smile. You may be wondering, “What does this have to do with our faith?” Well, allow me to explain. You see, God has a plan for us no matter how young or old. Someone said, “If you are still breathing, then God has a plan for you.” The problem is, we often fail to consult God. We grow up with...