Hey dude, where's my country

APPROVED
This book has been approved by the Department of Homeland Security. It contains no seditious acts or acts of treason. Each word has been examined and analyzed by a team of terrorism experts to insure that it gives neither aid nor comfort to The Enemy. This book reveals no state secrets nor does it make public any classified documents that may cause embarrassment to the United Statesof America or its commander in chief. No hidden messages to terrorists are contained within. This is a good Christian book, written by a patriotic American who knows that we will crush him should he ever step out of line. If you have purchased this book we are required to notify you per Section 29A of the USA Patriot Act that your name has now been entered into a database of potential suspectsshould the need to declare martial law ever arise, which we are sure will never happen. Being on this list of names also qualifies you for the grand prize drawing where ten lucky winners will receive all new Formica kitchen counters, compliments of Kitchen Magic. If you are indeed a bona fide terrorist and have purchased this copy in a bookstore, or obtained it at a library in the hopes of using theinformation embedded on these pages, rest assured that we already know who you are. This page you are fingering right now is made of a top-secret linen paper that registers an automatic fingerprint and beams it to our central command in Kissimmee, Florida. Do not attempt to tear this page out of the book—IT IS TOO LATE. Do not attempt to run because we’ve got a lock on you right now, you dirty no goodevildoer . . . FREEZE! DROP THE BOOK! HANDS IN THE AIR! YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO . . . SCREW IT! YOU DON’T HAVE ANY RIGHTS!! YOU NO LONGER EXIST! AND TO THINK IF YOU HAD ONLY APPRECIATED OUR WAY OF LIFE YOU COULD HAVE HAD YOUR OWN STAIN-RESISTANT FORMICA COUNTERS!
—Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Homeland —George W. Bush, Commander in Chief of the Fatherland

ALSO BY MICHAEL MOORE Stupid White MenDownsize This! Adventures in a TV Nation (with Kathleen Glynn)

Michael Moore

Copyright © 2003 by Michael Moore All rights reserved. www.michaelmoore.com Warner Books, Inc., 1271 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 Visit our Web site at www.twbookmark.com. An AOL Time Warner Company First eBook Edition: October 2003 ISBN: 0-7595-0809-7

for Rachel Corrie will I ever have her couragewill I let her death be in vain for Ardeth Platte, Carol Gilbert will I go sit in their cell they would come sit in mine for Ann Sparanese one simple act, a voice was saved are there a million more of her to save us all

Contents

Introduction

ix 1 41 85 95 119 129 137 157 165 183 203 219 247 251

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

7 Questions for George of Arabia Home of the Whopper Oil’s WellThat Ends Well The United States of BOO! How to Stop Terrorism? Stop Being Terrorists! Jesus W. Christ Horatio Alger Must Die Woo Hoo! I Got Me a Tax Cut! A Liberal Paradise How to Talk to Your Conservative Brother-in-Law Bush Removal and Other Spring Cleaning Chores Notes and Sources Acknowledgments About the Author

Introduction

I love listening to people’s stories about where they wereand what they were doing on the morning of 9/11, especially the stories from the ones who, through luck or fate, were allowed to live. For instance, there’s this guy who had just returned the day before from his honeymoon. That night, on September 10, his new bride thought she’d make him her special homemade burrito. The burrito was horrible, like eating tar stripped off the center line of theMajor Deegan expressway. But love ignores all of that and what counts is the gesture, not the digestion. He told her how grateful he was and how much he loved her. And he asked for another. The next morning, September 11, 2001, he’s on the subway from Brooklyn to his job on one of the top floors of the World Trade Center. The subway might have been heading to Manhattan, but the burrito was heading...