English

I walked into the house, threw my backpack on the floor and got ready to grab some food to eat and as I walked into the kitchen I saw a body bag on the table. Thats when they told me my mom was dead. There were sirens and flashes of light and people that all mixed into a blur of color and confusion. They told me she was in the kitchen making dinner when someone came in a shot her five times inthe stomach. When they told me I didn't let it register in my mind. Inevitably I fell into denial. It felt like a cloud was over me, shutting me out from the outside world, and on the inside of my cloud none of this mess existed. Outside of my cloud were family members who had already begun grieving, but again it didn't register in my mind. I didn't believe anything was true until I convincedmyself of the truth. I curled up in a ball telling my self over and over to quit being a coward and repeating to myself “ Katie, your mother is dead. She's dead.” My recognition and repetition turned into sobs. There's no accurate explanation of how I was feeling, except by saying that it was the worst pain I've ever experienced. It was my own hell, that I was entrapped in, on earth. I still didn'twant to be seen by anyone, even after I had acknowledged my moms death. This time not because I would care what they would think of me or more like how retched I looked, but because nothing anyone could do or say would matter. After that stage I went through a stage where people could be around me and it didn't matter who was there or what they were saying. I didn't hear it. For the first time inmy life words, which had held so much significance and importance to me before, became meaningless. Between my family, we all finally caught up in the grieving process. We didn't have to talk, we just held each other and sobbed without even saying a simple “it will be alright, or she's happy now,” not even from my dad.
Suddenly I became very mad at myself for all the stupid things I had caredabout and spent so much time invested in. Every simple pleasure I experienced I regretted and felt guilty about; friends, food, boys, shopping. It all seemed so trivial. I felt sick and I was getting used to that feeling because I convinced myself I deserved it. I was felt guilty for every hateful word and thought I ever had about my mom.
When I wasn't thinking these miserable thoughts I wasthinking another. I thought about how miserable my family was, especially my dad. All he has ever done is good, he works two full time jobs in ministry and gets this in return. I was scared for him and how he would cope. My misery progressed into anger and I became overcame with anger and incapable of love. Of course my friends and the church kept trying to show me God's love, but I just waited forthem to be gone, and eventually they were. Here's the thing about humans they get tired of waiting, their sole interest is in themselves, and I finally understood this. And like most people who completely understand this, I was alone. Being in a relationship is lying to yourself, its playing a game of pretend that ends as all games of pretend end, with nothing. How miserable would it be to be withthe same person your whole life. So why not choose to be with no one. You're lying to yourself when you convince yourself that you're capable of loving another person as you love yourself. I was jealous of my mom for escaping this hell, and it seemed so easy, she got out so easy. My mind began to toss around all the positives of dying. Ernest Hemingway's quote was ingrained in my head and took on awhole different meaning in my life. “I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?” I hadn't sleep, I mean really slept since my mom died. How much easier would it be to just be permanently asleep. God, it would be so easy. I know it sounds like I was about ready to kill myself, but really I was not. I mean don't get me wrong it sounds great, but who would listen...