Festivus Screenplay - Great Seinfeld Episode

FESTIVUS



[Setting: Tim Whatley's apartment]

ELAINE: So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?

JERRY: Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.

(Elaine laughs, Whatley enters)

TIM: Hey! Happy Chanukah!

JERRY: Hey, Tim. Great party.

(Tim holds up a mistletoe)

TIM: (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?

ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) eh.

TIM: (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George)Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)

TIM: (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera)

ELAINE: This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.

GEORGE: I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktailfranks.. (leaves)

ELAINE: Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.

JERRY: You have a standard fake?

ELAINE: Mm-hmm.

JERRY: (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.

ELAINE: (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine'sgrasp, moves over to the woman. The man

wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)

DENIM VEST: Hi!

(Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman)

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry.

WOMAN: Hi. JERRY: You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.

(Scene cuts to Elaine)

ELAINE: Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons

DENIM VEST: They're snaps. Listen, maybe weshould, uh, go out some time?

ELAINE: Why don't I give you my phone number?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Coffee Shop]

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?

GEORGE: Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.

JERRY: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?

GEORGE: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: "We don't care, and itshows."

JERRY: (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?

GEORGE: Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next

envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.

JERRY: See? You give, and you get.

GEORGE: (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season adonation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?

JERRY: Oh, that's nice.

GEORGE: I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"

JERRY: To a children's charity!

GEORGE: Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey!

JERRY: Hey.

(Waitressmoves tward the table)

ELAINE: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.

JERRY: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?

ELAINE: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.

JERRY: What does that mean?

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub.

(George lets out a depressed sighwhile reading a card)

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.

ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?

GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it..

JERRY: When George was growing up..

GEORGE: (Interrupting) Jerry, No!

JERRY: His father..

GEORGE: No!

JERRY:Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.

ELAINE: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

GEORGE: (pleading) Alright..

JERRY: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?

(Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do so)

GEORGE: Jerry! Stop it!

JERRY: And weren't there a...