Marriage Therapy

Building a

Marriage

That Lasts

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.

BUILDING A MARRIAGE THAT LASTS
by James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
A number of years ago, Shirley and I took a vacation with our family and ended the trip in Washington, D.C. I had heard there was to be a special briefing on the family at the White House that day, and I decided at the last minute to attend. Because I was not on the guestlist, it took me about 10 minutes longer to get through White House security, and I slipped into the briefing room just before the first speaker was announced. I sat down behind my good friend Leilani Watt, wife of then Secretary of the Interior James Watt. Leilani greeted me and then said, “I don’t think they’ve done you right.” I said, “Why not? What do you mean?” She said, “They didn’t give youenough time.” “Time?” I replied. “Time for what?” “Why, time to speak,” she said. “Didn’t you know you’re on the program today?” At that moment a White House aide tapped me on the shoulder and asked if he could usher me to the platform. Apparently, members of the staff who planned the briefing had known that I was likely to be there but had failed to tell me they were expecting me to speak! Itwas quite a shock to find myself looking at 200 expectant professionals who awaited my words of wisdom. I looked down and noticed that I had on brown socks and a blue suit. It had been a long vacation, and I wore the only clean thing left in my suitcase. Who knows, and who cares, what I said to those men and women that day. Whether I captured their attention is doubtful, but the White House staffcertainly grabbed mine! I went from half-asleep to supercharged in a period of four seconds. Fortunately for the audience, there were other speakers on the program that day, and one of them said some things I will never forget. His name was Dr. Armand Nicholi, a psychiatrist at Harvard University Medical School and Massachusetts
Building a Marriage That Lasts 2

General Hospital. He spoke on thesubject of parenting, especially as it relates to the mental health of children. I wish every mother and father could have heard his remarks as he quoted the latest research on the consequences of divorce and family disintegration. According to Dr. Nicholi, it is now known that emotional development in children is directly related to the presence of a warm, nurturing, sustained and continuousinteraction with both parents. Anything that interferes with the vital relationship with either parent can have lasting consequences for the child. One landmark study revealed that 90 percent of the children from divorced homes suffered from an acute sense of shock when the separation occurred, including profound grieving and irrational fears. Fifty percent reported feeling rejected and abandoned,and indeed, half the fathers never came to see their children three years after the divorce. One-third of the boys and girls feared abandonment by the remaining parent with an intensity that researchers described as “overwhelming.” Most significantly, 37 percent of the children were even more unhappy and dissatisfied five years after the divorce than they had been at 18 months. In other words, timedid not heal their wounds.

“Divorce is devastating, not just for the children but for their hurt and angry parents, too.”

In summary, Dr. Nicholi said divorce brings such intense loneliness to children that its pain is difficult to describe or even contemplate.

We all know that divorce has become the fashionable way to deal with marital conflict in the past three decades. Books such asCreative Divorce have described it as the start of a brandnew life that was in the “best interest” of the entire family. But that is patently untrue. Divorce is devastating, not just for the children but for their hurt and angry parents, too. Women pay a particularly high price, even when they are the ones who opted out of the relationship. Let me explain. There have always been irresponsible men...