Ropa

I'm Seth Meyers and I cannot thank you enough for having me tonight. Let me just say up top that this evening I'm going to be making a lot of jokes about many of the people in this room, but don'tworry, I assure you no matter how harsh the jokes they have all been vetted by the man at the top, Chinese President Hu Jin Tao.

Truthfully, I'm humbled to be sitting at a table with President Obama,a man I greatly admire. It's such an honor to perform for the leader of the world's most powerful slash poorest country.

And before I start, these were my birth certificate jokes [holds uppapers] so thank you for the timing on that Mr. President. Now unusable. We were working on these jokes for months – one of my guys said 'are you worried we're a little heavy on birth certificate jokes;what if he releases it before the dinner?' And I was like 'why would he do that?! He's not going to wait three years and then release it before the dinner.' Who told you I had birth certificate jokes?!It was Assange wasn't it? Is Biden still Vice-President? Because if not I'm down to like 'thank you and God Bless America.'

I am also honored to be performing for those of you here tonight, as wellas the handful of people watching at home on CSPAN. CSPAN is of course the official network for wide-shots of empty chairs. Every time I tune into CSPAN it looks like they just had a fire drill.CSPAN is one unpaid electric bill away from being a radio station. People think Bin Laden is hiding in the Hindu Kush, but did you know that every day from four to five he hosts a show on CSPAN? I'm notcomplaining about CSPAN mind you; I usually work on NBC so tonight I'm thrilled to be on a network that people actually watch. In fact, the fact that I'm projected on four screens right now makes methe third highest-rated show on NBC. Comcast of course bought NBC this year – I'm assuming by accident. Or when Goldman Sachs cut up the network and bundled it in the lower tranche of a CDO. I figured...