Transformers

Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?

I have no ****ing clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.

What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of thefilm?

The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.

What?

Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutallymurder them. It's kind of weird.

Why is the U.S. military helping them?

Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly ****ty attheir job.

How does the U.S. military help them?

Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.

Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?

Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for thefilm. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.

How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?

Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, itkilled Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.

So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?

Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

What?

That's what they said.

But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.

Yes.

...and now it can also bring him back to life.

It's very powerful, this Allspark.

Uh-huh. Sowhat's their plan to get it?

They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.

Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?

Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.

Well, then why do they give a **** about Sam?

The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.

They weren't in the other shard?Apparently not.

So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?

Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.

Wait.

Waiting.

There's a slutty Decepticon?

Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerfulslut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--

Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?

Yes.

So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?

Apparently. It was an elaborate plan,but it sure paid off.

How so?

Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.

It sounds preposterous.

Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!

Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's...